The last time I cried was the weekend of September 11th of this year when all of the anniversary shows were on. This year, those shows were like a magnet to me, I watched every single one. Usually I'll watch a documentary per year because I think it's important to remember, but I restrict myself, or didn't want to watch more.
This year, I felt a connection to the people in a way I couldn't before. I have come to understand mortality a little better, and I realized something very simple I really don't want to die. I'm 25, I'm barely starting out on a career I am loving, and I have plans for my life. Many people that died were just like me; around my age, perhaps close to the same situation as me. Or they were further along in life and had significant others, families, children, grandchildren that they didn't want to leave, any more than I don't want to leave my friends and family. I think it just really hit home, and though I've thought about that kind of thing before, I never let myself watch much of that stuff because I thought I'd get too sad and angry.
I don't think I didn't have the ability to connect with them, I was just not at a place in my life where I wanted to think about or put myself in the place of these people, so on the anniversaries I tended to focus on the acts of terrorism themselves. I got an even more visceral reaction this September 11th. All of the personal stories, the people who were on the phone with their loved ones when the planes crashed/buildings went down, the people who called in to TV stations from the upper floors of the WTC, not being able to come down...the people that knew their loved ones were on the planes/in the towers...the people that made the choice to jump from the buildings...I seriously cried all weekend because I watched every show that came along. My family thought I was nuts.
I feel that I never have anything interesting to say, but I liked that question on LJs main page.
Like an idiot I took on more hours at work. I don't like who I am when I am at work.
I have chastised friends before because they talk about how they are different for each social group they are around, and I tell them that I believe that we all show different facets of ourselves when we are in our different circles. It's okay to be like that, I say, because it's often out of necessity; after all, we don't want to curse, use drugs (if that's our inclination) or talk about our sex lives with our Christian relatives the way we do or would with our friends. It's all a way to survive in the environments we're thrown into, or choose to inhabit. It's a social game we play and it's perfectly natural.
The social game I must play at work makes me feel putrid. There's no other way to describe it. It's not like I compromise some of my core values, but at work I'm a little more cowardly...a little less well-read than I really am. I'm fake. Fake, fake, fake. I'm not cut out for dealing with customers; I have never been able to master the "customer is always right" motto, nor am I able to turn the other cheek when a customer is rude. There are a few regulars that have been rude to me that I can't be nice to after that, no matter how much I tell myself that my job is to be nice. At work, I don't feel nice to these people. When I'm not at work I'm quick to let rudeness go. At work, it becomes something more because I know that a lot of the people I serve think I'm a lower human being than them and it becomes almost personal. They have these preconceived notions that it's okay to treat me like dirt, and again...I rationalize this at home, realizing that there are many types of people in this world, but at work, I feel ugly.
I've been there for too long. The only problem is that I can't seem to walk away. Wherever I'd go, I'd be accepting less money and I feel as though I can't afford that...even though I probably could and would.
And the truth is if I didn't go to work I would feel even more useless. I already feel somewhat tied to my computer and my movies, getting away to work is infinitely better for me than not. I'm stuck with this life of quiet desperation and I need to get out.
I do. Quite often. I want to crawl in it, glory in it--forget my own existence. Become thsoe notes. Be that moment. It's like a compulsion, a physical ache....such joy and sadness wrapped up together. Rhapsody in Blue (Gershwin is my home slice)- Boogie Shoes--God, I want to be IN my music. I wish I could be a ballet dancer. They LIVE there in a way I will never know. Then the music ends and I'm bereft for a few moments; then, it's back to my normal rhythms, habits, quirks.
ThougH i do let some people (more and more rare these days though) into my music world, I'm always disappointed when I do because they don't experience my world the way I do and it's a letdown.
Things I have learned about myself in the last year:
- I am so forgetful it's ridiculous. I think people think I'm nuts. For instance, I constantly forget Ernest Hemingway's name, and Cary Grant's name. For three whole weeks, I kept forgetting the name of a class I was in; it was horribly embarrassing when people asked me what classes I was taking.
- Blondes do have more fun.
- Attitude is everything. The cliche is true, and I had to learn this the hard way.
- I'm healthier when I am honest.
- Being childlike sometimes isn't something to be ashamed about; play is some of the best things you can do.
- I will never grow up, which is a good thing, because I don't plan on it.
- I had to learn the hard way that you can't change things, even when you may want to. Sometimes you just have to give up.
- I don't know how in the world I got lucky enough to have the great friends in my life that I do, but I am surrounded by a bunch of fantastic people. Dumb luck, I guess.
- Letting anger go in almost all situations is probably the best thing.
- It is okay to spend money on fashion.
- Makeup is actually really fun and easy to put on.
- I am actually getting used to myself; I want to better myself rather than become a different person entirely. This was a novel realization.
I've changed quite a bit this last year. Except in some ways I feel exactly the same. Hmmm.
1. What would be your ultimate dream career if you just suddenly had the chance to take it?
One in which I get paid to read. I would love that job.
2. What do you think about/ what runs through your head most often in a day?
A majority of the time, songs are running through my head, so I usually have a...mental iPod, if you will. If I'm obsessing over a song, book, or movie, then I think about that all day. However, I also tend to hear words that amuse me and I latch onto them. Like 'Bob.' That name is hilarious to me, and I'll say it in my head to myself a lot. Hahaha that makes me sound incredibly deep, huh?
3. What's your favorite drink? Alcoholic- Strongbow (an English cider). Oh god, I LOVE that stuff. And the kick? They don't sell it in Oklahoma. *cries* Non Alcoholic- water.
4. (I'm gonna totally copy one of my questions but I wanna know. lol.) If you had to choose one book to read over and over again for the rest of your life what would it be?
I'll have you know that this is VERY tough, but I'm going to have to go with "The Girl with the Silver Eyes," by Willow Davis Roberts--it's a children's book that I absolutely love. I think out of all of the books I've ever read, I've read that one the most, so that's why I'm choosing it. I wanted to BE Katie SO BADLY when I was a girl.
5. If you could get rid of one thing in this world what would that be?
It's so tempting to fudge and make the 'thing' a person or people, but I won't. I would get rid of cell phones.
So...let me get this straight. You're going to give the guy who planned the WTC center attacks a trial---all of the rights that an American citizen would have---and basically a STAGE for the terrorists to proclaim their beliefs, and also give the defense time to shame a past president? Oh, nice. Oh yeah, and you're taking him back to the scene of the crime, of which terrorists are still enormously proud.
This only proves my theory that Obama is amateurish and overly optimistic. He must have completely forgotten what happened on 9/11. Sure, Bush made PLENTY of mistakes. However, this is not the time to give the enemy more ammunition. We should all UNITE and give an admitted terrorist, and planner of the world trade center exactly what he deserves: a private (NON media circus) military trial, and an execution...electric style, plz.
I like how it's been almost a year and he still hasn't changed as a president; his three favorite topics are 1) himself 2) why it's all Bush's fault and 3) how awful the United States is.
The fact that this country elected him shames me. Sure, Europe loves him: he's a socialist! As far as I'm concerned, we've dropped the ball on the past three Presidential elections. I suppose it could have been worse; we could've had Gore. Or even worse, Kerry.
I applied for graduation a couple of days ago, just waiting to hear back to see if everything is 'go' for graduation in December.
'cause next comes applying for GRAD school and coming up with my thesis and getting together a committee. Oh man.
Before the semester began, I vowed that my last semester of undergrad I would dress up for school every single day. I've kept that vow so far and it paid off on Tuesday, a girl in one of my classes goes "you always look like a million bucks!"...I know, sweetie, I know. :D No, just kidding, it was really awesome to be complimented that way, especially since I buy about 99% of my clothes at Ross for under $10 each.
Sometimes I think that if I looked back at myself a year and a half ago I wouldn't have recognized me.